A year ago, we came to terms with the fact that JR has PTSD. He hid his confusion and pain for so long, fighting his own internal battle, and it finally came to a point that we now calmly refer to as "the breakdown." I saw it coming. It was obvious that something was going on inside his head, something that I couldn't understand. I figured it was the stress of money, employment, wedding, moving cross-country... We were experiencing a lot of change in our lives and I knew the stress of life was bothering him. Luckily, I explored a term that was mentioned at the VA, "PTSD" and found the local NAMI Front Line support group. I went by myself and came to the conclusion that, yes, JR did have PTSD. Yes, he was facing something larger and more complicated then I understood. So when the breakdown happened, I was prepared. That's not to say that it was an easy time in our lives... it was a lot of work and dedication. We learned more about ourselves in one week then in the 3 years we had been together at that point.
- The Inn at Avila Beach, where we stayed last Easter when we needed to relax.
Tomorrow marks an important day in our recovery: It was a day we vowed to attack the PTSD head on, together. After the breakdown, the doctor's visits, the family intervention, the heart-to-heart talks... we had to get away. Last Easter we spent the night at a little resort hotel in Avila Beach, CA. We talked, we laughed, we cried. We came to the conclusion that we had to fight this issue head-on. We had to find out what to do to fix the situation, to recover, and to make our relationship and lives better in the process. Over the past year, our lives have changed dramatically. We are not the same people that we were a year ago and our commitment to each other is stronger than ever.
Here's a few things that we have discovered in the past year:
- You cannot do it on your own: PTSD is not a individual issue. It affects the whole family and friends. Almost everyone we know is aware that JR has PTSD and that we are learning how to recover and how to advocated for the cause. It's no longer a secret and we are amazed at how open and supportive everyone has been in the process.
- Education can do wonders: You fear that which you do not understand. "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder" and "Traumatic Brain Injury" are scary the first time you hear them. I do not come from a military background and had never heard of these terms before. I did not know what to do and began to read everything I could get my hands on. I googled the terms endlessly and read blogs, medical journals, and news articles until I felt I had a handle on what it all means. It's not an end all solution, but it takes the fear out of the situation.
- We are not the only ones: Throughout this year, we have been amazed at the number of people we have found that are dealing with the same issues we are. We have found local people that we can turn to that are also dealing with PTSD and it is wonderful to talk to them when we need advice or vice versa. Our experiences are not isolated incidents. It's comforting to know that we can find strength and inspiration in other peoples stories and experience, but it also makes us wonder how many people are still looking for answers and are dealing with a crisis situation. We really feel that PTSD is an epidemic situation for veterans and we hope that by sharing our stories, we hope others will find that they too are not the only ones.
- Patience is a virtue: It takes time to recover. And it takes time to find help. The VA isn't always the quickest or most efficient system to deal with. You have to be persistent and patient when going through the process. We can't really say in reference the VA that we have seen any major results, but we have hope that we will. We just have to stick with it, be patient, and move forward.
- We can never give up hope: Those familiar with NAMI will recognize this point, it's a favorite because it is true. We can never give up hope that recovery won't happen. We never give up hope that the VA will find answers to these issues and help us. We never give up hope that we can help others dealing with these issues. Once you put this phrase into your vocabulary, you'll be amazed how much you reference it.
- We can't dwell on the past, but we do have to acknowledge it: We had to get over the breakdown, it couldn't last forever. We couldn't focus on it too much and let it overwhelm us. But we do have to acknowledge that it happened. One of many things that I have to give credit to JR for: he is always honest and admits any wrongdoing he did as a result of his PTSD. He acknowledges that he wasn't always the easiest person to be around and he owns his actions. I have to admit that it's difficult for me to return that favor, and it's hard to admit when your wrong. But by acknowledging our actions, we have found the strength to move on and not get stuck in crisis mode.
- Love really does conquer all: We have found through this process that we draw our strength from each other. When either one of us is having trouble, we lean on the other for support. It's that support system that gets us through difficult times and makes it possible for us to enjoy the good times. And it goes both ways. I get stressed too and need JR to support me just as much as I support him. We vowed when we got married, that we would be there "for better or for worse" and that is a commitment we stand by. If you do not have a husband/wife relationship, find a support system that works for you and find the strength to confide in them. It benefits both parties more then you will know.
We've learned a lot of other lessons and we continue to do so. And our recovery changes everyday. Last year, we were facing a crisis and we extremely focused on that we could do to pull ourselves out of our situation. This year, we are figuring out what the next step will be. We may understand the issue at hand, but now what? We continue to go the medical route, which is often confusing and frustrating, but necessary. What we do know is that we love each other and that we never give up hope.
~ Nicole
Originally posted on PTSDdiary.com, 4/3/10
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