As everyone knows, our Nation's birthday is right around the corner. It is a day for celebration, especially for veterans who have risked everything for our country. For us it is not just a day to remember the birth of our country, but it is also a day to remember what we fight for, and to be thankful that we are still here to celebrate with our friends and family. And while I am happy to celebrate with the people I love, it can also be a little difficult.
This Sunday, the air will be alive with the smells of barbeque, watermelon, and gunpowder. The fireworks display on the 4th of July is the most identifiable part of the celebration. The colors, the sounds, the smells: these are all magnificent and dramatic reminders of the "bombs bursting in air" from our National Anthem. As much as I enjoy celebrating the 4th of July, I still have trouble with the fireworks.
The funny thing about fireworks being used to represent bombs is that they actually do sound like bombs. Hearing that loud boom and smelling the gunpowder has a different association for me now. I have struggled for years to get past my discomfort with fireworks. Two months ago, I actually stood through a fireworks display at a local event. I found out that if I stood behind something, I felt a little bit better. I took my place behind a tree, and watched the display. On the very last boom, there was an incredibly loud bang accompanied with nothing but a white explosion. I fell to the ground and tucked myself in, ready to absorb the shock. It was instinct, nothing more than muscle memory. The crowd cheered and clapped, and were very entertained. And while I was proud of myself for standing as long as I did, I still felt that I wasn't quite over the fear completely. This Sunday will be another test, and I will see where I am at from there. I have no problem when I am in control, lighting them myself. When I am out at a display the sound still bothers me, especially when there is a shockwave from the larger explosions.
Even with these issues on my mind, I am prepared to celebrate this Sunday. I love this country, and I am proud to call it home. I will be outside, lighting sparklers in my backyard, grilling out, and thinking about how great it is to be here (or back here as the case may be). As uncomfortable as I may be with fireworks, I will not let it stop me from remembering what Independence Day is all about. I want to wish all of my fellow veterans out there the best of luck this 4th of July, and I hope that all of you and your families have a wonderful, fun, and safe holiday weekend.
~J.R.
Originally posted on PTSDdiary.com, 6/30/10
It took me five years after my war to actually go out to the local fireworks display. While the sound and smell is exquisitely familiar, the sight of a modern tank battle dims the fireworks in comparison. Face those fears one at a time, they can sometimes set us back temporarily.
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